One thing I wasn't prepared for in becoming a parent is the internalization of fear and pain. I never thought hearing or reading of another child's death or suffering would cause me to weep as uncontrollably as I do. I have always had a hard time with children who suffer, but since I had little boy I literally cannot read the article, or watch the news story. No one warned me. No one prepared me. No one told me that I would worry every day that I may not see him grow up.
I wonder if every parent has that worry. In these uncertain times I wonder how we can't.
Given what happened last week, how can we not?
Today is little boy's birthday. It's a time for celebration and letting him eat more sugar than ever before. It's a time for me to take the day off work just to spend time with him.
I know all parents hugged their children tightly upon hearing the news Friday. My husband and I often say, "if nothing else, he will know he is loved."
In this time of uncertainty - isn't that the greatest gift we have to give?
Little boy, even when things don't go according to plan, I will love you. I will mess up many things. I will do many things wrong. But I pray you will always know how much you are loved.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
It's all wrong!
Imagine my surprise when I got home last night and not only had the kid been bathed, twice, but they actually had fun while I was gone.
I don't like the sound of that.
I don't like the sound of that.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Freaking out. Just a little
I will say that I'm typically laid back. My BFF will laugh and my husband will guffaw. So they can get their own blog if they want to say anything. Maybe I'm laid back relative to the other crazies in my family. Regardless, I'm laid back. About some things.
I'm not laid back when it comes to my kid. He's just too awesome to mess up. That and I thought I'd never have him so I'm kind of, well, not laid back. Not exactly psycho. Not exactly not-psycho. You know, I'm perfect.
I'm going out of town tomorrow night with almost every other caretaker of my child. Except my husband. I realize that next to me, he is the best caretaker there is. However, he is a man. And if I'm being honest, I worry about the diaper getting changed and him being fed. My husband is a great father. Let's just say he isn't the most pereceptive of people. That smell emanating from your child - yes, it should be changed and it was there well before I got home. That constant pacing of the dog - yes, it typically means they want to go outside. That odd sound coming from your bedside table - yes, your alarm is going off. Wait, that is both of us. That odd, annoying sound you hear - yes, I'm talking to you, you can answer now.
So imagine my worry when for 4 days all they will have is each other. I fully expect to come home to a slightly stressed husband and a dirty child. (They are called baths, dude)
But it will still be a wonderful homecoming.
I'm not laid back when it comes to my kid. He's just too awesome to mess up. That and I thought I'd never have him so I'm kind of, well, not laid back. Not exactly psycho. Not exactly not-psycho. You know, I'm perfect.
I'm going out of town tomorrow night with almost every other caretaker of my child. Except my husband. I realize that next to me, he is the best caretaker there is. However, he is a man. And if I'm being honest, I worry about the diaper getting changed and him being fed. My husband is a great father. Let's just say he isn't the most pereceptive of people. That smell emanating from your child - yes, it should be changed and it was there well before I got home. That constant pacing of the dog - yes, it typically means they want to go outside. That odd sound coming from your bedside table - yes, your alarm is going off. Wait, that is both of us. That odd, annoying sound you hear - yes, I'm talking to you, you can answer now.
So imagine my worry when for 4 days all they will have is each other. I fully expect to come home to a slightly stressed husband and a dirty child. (They are called baths, dude)
But it will still be a wonderful homecoming.
Monday, November 26, 2012
On Thankfulness, Pity, and Misery
I have a hard time at this time of year being thankful. In some ways I feel like being thankful for stuff (and proclaiming it to Facebook or Twitter) makes me a little like that person that only asks for prayer when they need something. To which I am guilty. I am guilty of most things. But mostly I'm guilty of not being thankful.
It's not that I don't have a lot to be thankful for. I do. Everyone does if they think about it hard enough. We all have struggles. We all have a childhood to overcome. And maybe that gets to the root of my issue. I've often told people that I'm not a good HR person because I have no pity. That is true to some degree, but it isn't the whole picture.
I have no pity for people who allow their prior circumstances to hold them back in the present day. I have empathy when possible. And I have sympathy when allowed. But I have no pity. People don't need pity. Sometimes they need a smile. Or a Thank you. An I love you. A "Good Job". Sometimes a swift kick in the butt. But not pity. Pity allows you to wallow. Pity allows you to stay in that place. That place that is holding you back. Pity doesn't give the strength to soldier on - it gives you the validation to, well, be pitiful.
So this season I'm thankful that in many areas I was able to soldier on. I'm thankful that no one took pity on me because we know misery loves company. Sometimes misery is necessary. Sometimes misery is healing. But misery and pity should not be destinations. I'm thankful I didn't choose that. And I'm thankful for every person in my life that helped me realize that truth.
It's not that I don't have a lot to be thankful for. I do. Everyone does if they think about it hard enough. We all have struggles. We all have a childhood to overcome. And maybe that gets to the root of my issue. I've often told people that I'm not a good HR person because I have no pity. That is true to some degree, but it isn't the whole picture.
I have no pity for people who allow their prior circumstances to hold them back in the present day. I have empathy when possible. And I have sympathy when allowed. But I have no pity. People don't need pity. Sometimes they need a smile. Or a Thank you. An I love you. A "Good Job". Sometimes a swift kick in the butt. But not pity. Pity allows you to wallow. Pity allows you to stay in that place. That place that is holding you back. Pity doesn't give the strength to soldier on - it gives you the validation to, well, be pitiful.
So this season I'm thankful that in many areas I was able to soldier on. I'm thankful that no one took pity on me because we know misery loves company. Sometimes misery is necessary. Sometimes misery is healing. But misery and pity should not be destinations. I'm thankful I didn't choose that. And I'm thankful for every person in my life that helped me realize that truth.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Doctor visit
I went to the doctor today. Much like the rest of the US my insurance is changing next year and I've met my out of pocket this year so I'm going to take full advantage of that and rack up even more medical costs. Yes, I'm in HR and I know how horrible that sounds.
Truthfully, I just went in for a routine physical. Three needle sticks, one pee test, and one EKG later I emerged.
The appointment was really going ok. I had to get on the scale, which of course lied. The nurse took my blood pressure and temp and all that. All good. My EKG (which was a first), was ok. Or so they tell me. I got my TB test, a Tetanus shot, a referral for a mammogram (so. excited.) and a referral to a good dermatologist because apparently these huge freckles on my face may not be so good afterall.
The doctor was great as usual. I like her. I saw her for the numbness in my hands and she was great then too. And then she told me I need to lose 20 lbs. Bitch.
Truthfully, I just went in for a routine physical. Three needle sticks, one pee test, and one EKG later I emerged.
The appointment was really going ok. I had to get on the scale, which of course lied. The nurse took my blood pressure and temp and all that. All good. My EKG (which was a first), was ok. Or so they tell me. I got my TB test, a Tetanus shot, a referral for a mammogram (so. excited.) and a referral to a good dermatologist because apparently these huge freckles on my face may not be so good afterall.
The doctor was great as usual. I like her. I saw her for the numbness in my hands and she was great then too. And then she told me I need to lose 20 lbs. Bitch.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Happy, Not Pensive
I DO EXIST! I was going to write a really long and sad penisve post today, but I don't want to. I want to be happy. And what makes me happy? Besides Beam and Coke and sleeeping until 7 AM? My little boy!
He will be 2 next month which is completely mind blowing. But he really is the cutest thing ever. One post awhile back I put the ways I know he is my kid. I'm going to do that again. Some may be repeats though.
1. He is a little clumsy. He was walking down the hall yesterday and ran into the door frame. You know, that part that sticks out about 1 inch into the hallway. Only one of my children could pull off that feat.
2. He loves to be outside. If he hears the doors open he comes running.
3. He is double jointed in his thumbs. So odd. And he moves them the same way I do and everything.
4. He wakes up early. Now, let me say that early is relative. Pre-children early was 7:30 or 8. Now I would give almsot anything to sleep until that time.
5. The whole curly hair thing.
6. Those crazy blue eyes. And those eyelashes! Ladies - guard your hearts (and your daughters).
7. He loves to read. Or be read to.
8. He could care less what he is wearing. Seriously, I can dress him in anything.
9. He likes to surprise people. From around a corner, with hand sanitzer, whatever.
10. He loves to laugh. A loud, boisterous, can't be mistaken for anything except happiness laugh. I'm not sure that one is me, but I love it.
11. Oh, and he is independent as crap. Drives me insane sometimes.
12. He. Has. No. Patience.
So he wakes up every morning in one of three ways:
1. Uh oh. UH OH. UHHHH OHHHHH. UHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHH. Over and over and over again. Louder and louder.
2. Wow. WOW. WOOOOOWWW. WWWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW. Over and over and over again. Louder and louder.
3. Mama. MAMA. MMMMMAAAAAMMMMMAAA. That is so cute he can say it however he wants.
And here he is. In the dog crate. I just want to add his grandmother allowed this to happen...
He will be 2 next month which is completely mind blowing. But he really is the cutest thing ever. One post awhile back I put the ways I know he is my kid. I'm going to do that again. Some may be repeats though.
1. He is a little clumsy. He was walking down the hall yesterday and ran into the door frame. You know, that part that sticks out about 1 inch into the hallway. Only one of my children could pull off that feat.
2. He loves to be outside. If he hears the doors open he comes running.
3. He is double jointed in his thumbs. So odd. And he moves them the same way I do and everything.
4. He wakes up early. Now, let me say that early is relative. Pre-children early was 7:30 or 8. Now I would give almsot anything to sleep until that time.
5. The whole curly hair thing.
6. Those crazy blue eyes. And those eyelashes! Ladies - guard your hearts (and your daughters).
7. He loves to read. Or be read to.
8. He could care less what he is wearing. Seriously, I can dress him in anything.
9. He likes to surprise people. From around a corner, with hand sanitzer, whatever.
10. He loves to laugh. A loud, boisterous, can't be mistaken for anything except happiness laugh. I'm not sure that one is me, but I love it.
11. Oh, and he is independent as crap. Drives me insane sometimes.
12. He. Has. No. Patience.
So he wakes up every morning in one of three ways:
1. Uh oh. UH OH. UHHHH OHHHHH. UHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHH. Over and over and over again. Louder and louder.
2. Wow. WOW. WOOOOOWWW. WWWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW. Over and over and over again. Louder and louder.
3. Mama. MAMA. MMMMMAAAAAMMMMMAAA. That is so cute he can say it however he wants.
And here he is. In the dog crate. I just want to add his grandmother allowed this to happen...
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Well, hi there
How are you? I can't believe it is June already. I'd like to say that I've had this amazing life changing 6 months and that is why I haven't written, but just life happened.
I took a new role on at my job which proved to be much busier than I thought. Then I started to get numbness in my hands, which subsequently spread to my arms and back. It was really odd. It affected my coordination. I couldn't run - I even fell in the hall when I was chasing little boy one day. I couldn't hold him very long because my strength was gone. So I relented and went to the doctor. Well, a few doctors. First specialist told me I needed surgery. Um, no thank you. I tried acupuncture. (which I highly recommend). I tried ignorning it. Surely it will get better.... Then went to a Neurosurgeon. There was that surgery word again. This time I listened. Mosly because he was recommended by other doctors I hold in high regard and was very conservative. He also told me that some of his colleagues would send me straight to the hospital for surgery.
Fine, I'll have the surgery. Oh, you mean you want me to have it Monday? But I'm supposed to be on vacation... Dang it.
Honestly, one of the reasons I didn't want to surgery is because I'm a huge baby and I knew I'd be in pain. But bigger than that was that I'd have to stop breastfeeding and I couldn't pick up little boy for three months. THREE MONTHS!
So I found out on Friday I was having surgery and would have to stop breastfeeding Monday. Add that to not holding my little boy and lets just say I've been a bit of a basket case. And I know its hard on him. I know there are people trying to figure out how old little boy is (18 months tomorrow) and thinking how odd I am for still breastfeeding. Hey, these things had to serve a purpose eventually. And I was going to stop after vacation, just wanted to do it on my terms. You know, like everything else in life.
So the surgery was two weeks ago. I can't drive. I can't go back to work yet. I can't take care of little boy. Um, how am I not depressed? Oh, I kinda am.
But on the upside I have a really cute kid.
I took a new role on at my job which proved to be much busier than I thought. Then I started to get numbness in my hands, which subsequently spread to my arms and back. It was really odd. It affected my coordination. I couldn't run - I even fell in the hall when I was chasing little boy one day. I couldn't hold him very long because my strength was gone. So I relented and went to the doctor. Well, a few doctors. First specialist told me I needed surgery. Um, no thank you. I tried acupuncture. (which I highly recommend). I tried ignorning it. Surely it will get better.... Then went to a Neurosurgeon. There was that surgery word again. This time I listened. Mosly because he was recommended by other doctors I hold in high regard and was very conservative. He also told me that some of his colleagues would send me straight to the hospital for surgery.
Fine, I'll have the surgery. Oh, you mean you want me to have it Monday? But I'm supposed to be on vacation... Dang it.
Honestly, one of the reasons I didn't want to surgery is because I'm a huge baby and I knew I'd be in pain. But bigger than that was that I'd have to stop breastfeeding and I couldn't pick up little boy for three months. THREE MONTHS!
So I found out on Friday I was having surgery and would have to stop breastfeeding Monday. Add that to not holding my little boy and lets just say I've been a bit of a basket case. And I know its hard on him. I know there are people trying to figure out how old little boy is (18 months tomorrow) and thinking how odd I am for still breastfeeding. Hey, these things had to serve a purpose eventually. And I was going to stop after vacation, just wanted to do it on my terms. You know, like everything else in life.
So the surgery was two weeks ago. I can't drive. I can't go back to work yet. I can't take care of little boy. Um, how am I not depressed? Oh, I kinda am.
But on the upside I have a really cute kid.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Isn't it Ironic
I think timing is everything. You learn exactly what time you have to leave the house in the morning to miss traffic, yet get there somewhat on time. You learn exactly what time you can leave your house and make it Donut World before closing, or to be the first in line. You're also given little pleasures in life just when you need them. That phone call from a friend, a letter in the mail, donuts for breakfast.
I also think everything happens for a reason. I used to think I was the least selfish person I knew because, well, I thought I was that perfect. Then you have a kid and learn what selfishlessness (is that even a word) means. I am actually not proud of that one (because I judged everyone who I thought was selfish as being so freakin inferior to me, Ms. Perfectness). I also though I was a pretty laid back person. Ex-boyfriends, my husband, and pretty much anyone who knows me is laughing right now and running away so lightening doesn't strike.
Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of being a mom and wanted to get part of my life back. I've been reading books like nobody's business. I used to read all the time, then I was just too tired. It's odd how I've missed something like that. I'm trying to get out of the house more. I'm ok if I'm not there to put little boy to sleep. OK, that is a stretch, but I no longer freak out about it.
Then it hit me. Like a 2x4. Oh my goodness, listen to me, I'm planning all this stuff without my kid. It's like I can't wait for him to go to bed every night so I can have some "me" time. I'm so selfish. What kind of parent does that make me? The answer: a good one.
No, I don't condone going out every night in lieu of spending time with your child. But, I also think you need your "you" time, whatever that is so you can be sane. And sanity don't hurt when it comes to parenting. Or so I've heard.
There is something in the water at work because we have an extreme influx of new babies. Since I have been a mom for a whole year I am clearly an expert and am not afraid to tell them exactly how it is. Since I know everything and all. I was talking to one of the guys who will soon be a daddy yesterday. I told him how I was completely ok with giving up my social life for the first year of little boy's life. But now, I need to be normal again. And as a parent, you think that is horrible parenting. When in reality, it's just the way it is. And there is honestly nothing wrong with looking forward to bedtime.
About 10 minutes after that conversation, I saw this post. And it pretty much sums it up. It also validates me, which is awesome.
Here is is in case the link doesn't work.
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child/
I also think everything happens for a reason. I used to think I was the least selfish person I knew because, well, I thought I was that perfect. Then you have a kid and learn what selfishlessness (is that even a word) means. I am actually not proud of that one (because I judged everyone who I thought was selfish as being so freakin inferior to me, Ms. Perfectness). I also though I was a pretty laid back person. Ex-boyfriends, my husband, and pretty much anyone who knows me is laughing right now and running away so lightening doesn't strike.
Lately I've been reflecting on the past year of being a mom and wanted to get part of my life back. I've been reading books like nobody's business. I used to read all the time, then I was just too tired. It's odd how I've missed something like that. I'm trying to get out of the house more. I'm ok if I'm not there to put little boy to sleep. OK, that is a stretch, but I no longer freak out about it.
Then it hit me. Like a 2x4. Oh my goodness, listen to me, I'm planning all this stuff without my kid. It's like I can't wait for him to go to bed every night so I can have some "me" time. I'm so selfish. What kind of parent does that make me? The answer: a good one.
No, I don't condone going out every night in lieu of spending time with your child. But, I also think you need your "you" time, whatever that is so you can be sane. And sanity don't hurt when it comes to parenting. Or so I've heard.
There is something in the water at work because we have an extreme influx of new babies. Since I have been a mom for a whole year I am clearly an expert and am not afraid to tell them exactly how it is. Since I know everything and all. I was talking to one of the guys who will soon be a daddy yesterday. I told him how I was completely ok with giving up my social life for the first year of little boy's life. But now, I need to be normal again. And as a parent, you think that is horrible parenting. When in reality, it's just the way it is. And there is honestly nothing wrong with looking forward to bedtime.
About 10 minutes after that conversation, I saw this post. And it pretty much sums it up. It also validates me, which is awesome.
Here is is in case the link doesn't work.
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child/
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Another First
Dear Little Boy,
You are 13 months old today. Sometimes I look at you and think how small you are. Other times I'm astounded by how big you are! You are constantly on the go! You started walking pretty much the day after your first birthday. Now nothing is safe. :) You are such a joy. Even at 2:00 AM last night.
You had your first-ever fever last night. First that I know of, anyway. I knew something was wrong when you didn't want to eat. It's one of your favorite things to do! And then you just wanted to be held. Sign #2.
I had to be at work early today so I came home before you woke up so I could be there with you. You're all better now, probably a little hungry. You are just teething so it's nothing to worry about. But I couldn't help but feel like you were my little teeny baby again. Just in a toddler body. So I just wanted to say, Thank you for making me a mommy.
I love you,
Mom
You are 13 months old today. Sometimes I look at you and think how small you are. Other times I'm astounded by how big you are! You are constantly on the go! You started walking pretty much the day after your first birthday. Now nothing is safe. :) You are such a joy. Even at 2:00 AM last night.
You had your first-ever fever last night. First that I know of, anyway. I knew something was wrong when you didn't want to eat. It's one of your favorite things to do! And then you just wanted to be held. Sign #2.
I had to be at work early today so I came home before you woke up so I could be there with you. You're all better now, probably a little hungry. You are just teething so it's nothing to worry about. But I couldn't help but feel like you were my little teeny baby again. Just in a toddler body. So I just wanted to say, Thank you for making me a mommy.
I love you,
Mom
Alarm Clock, Take II
No one realizes this, but HR people have crazy hours. Well, some HR people do. I do, and since this is my blog, I'm what matters.
So there as I was last night. Setting my alarm so I could wake up at 3:00 AM. Usually this is followed by a..."I wonder if I should just stay up. I've got tons of stuff I can do." Which is then almost immediately followed by a, "uh, heck no." Or something much less PG rated.
I decided to look for a different ring tone, because of this. I went through my list of eligible choices, remembering why I chose the original one. The others just plain suck.
As I was speeding into work today because I just couldn't get out of bed at the aforementioned 3 AM because, well, you should be going to bed at 3AM not waking up, I realized the perfect alarm clock noise is out there.
Have you ever noticed that a crying baby will wake your butt up from a dead sleep in no time at all? Whereas the alarm clock fades into consciousness after about 10 minutes of going off incessantly. Little boy can whimper in his sleep and I'm full on awake.
Then I realized that if your alarm clock was a baby crying you would continually rush into the baby's room, in turn waking them up. It would start a never ending issue of crying baby, run to baby's room, crap - wrong baby, crap - baby awake now, put back to sleep, good - now I can go back to sleep, oh - there is that baby crying again, crap - wrong baby, good - more sleep, crap - baby is crying again, crap - wrong baby, crap - I'm late for work again.
You can't bottle this kind of genius.
So there as I was last night. Setting my alarm so I could wake up at 3:00 AM. Usually this is followed by a..."I wonder if I should just stay up. I've got tons of stuff I can do." Which is then almost immediately followed by a, "uh, heck no." Or something much less PG rated.
I decided to look for a different ring tone, because of this. I went through my list of eligible choices, remembering why I chose the original one. The others just plain suck.
As I was speeding into work today because I just couldn't get out of bed at the aforementioned 3 AM because, well, you should be going to bed at 3AM not waking up, I realized the perfect alarm clock noise is out there.
Have you ever noticed that a crying baby will wake your butt up from a dead sleep in no time at all? Whereas the alarm clock fades into consciousness after about 10 minutes of going off incessantly. Little boy can whimper in his sleep and I'm full on awake.
Then I realized that if your alarm clock was a baby crying you would continually rush into the baby's room, in turn waking them up. It would start a never ending issue of crying baby, run to baby's room, crap - wrong baby, crap - baby awake now, put back to sleep, good - now I can go back to sleep, oh - there is that baby crying again, crap - wrong baby, good - more sleep, crap - baby is crying again, crap - wrong baby, crap - I'm late for work again.
You can't bottle this kind of genius.
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