My wonderful son is now 5 years old. He is both my greatest accomplishment and sometimes a pain in the ass. He comes by it honestly. I never really feel like I get this parenting thing right. I yell too much, I scroll Facebook too often, I give in more than I should. But I love. So much.
I never thought I would only have one child. It was never in the plan. We are meant to multiply, right? You know how when you get married everyone asks when you're going to have kids? Well, even with kids, they still ask. When are you going to have more? Don't you want more kids? You better start working on it! People, just worry about you. I finally had to tell a very well meaning person that sometimes it just isn't that easy.
About three months ago I started having extremely painful periods. I've always had horrible periods and been plagued with endometriosis. But this was different. This was worse than labor. I went to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night (I don't recommend that to anyone). I throw up because the pain is so intense. I am sore for days because my body gets so tense from trying to stay still and not move, and just somehow, make it through. I have taken more ibuprofen than anyone probably should. I finally got a prescription for something more and it didn't touch the pain.
The last non-surgical option is to get an IUD inserted. This seems like a no-brainer, right? It isn't. Doing this means I give up any chance of having another child. Of bringing a perfect child into my already amazing family. To have another product of the love I have for my husband. Well, that happened today. I am so broken by it. But I couldn't bear another month of that pain. It scares my husband, it upsets my son to see me in so much pain, and it scares me too.
I have often struggled with trusting God's plan. It is sometimes difficult to see where the road is going and know I should just follow. This is one of those times. I know I needed to do this for my family though.
The other night my son told me that he chose me for his mommy and that I was his favorite and better than the other moms. While I'm sure there will be many times he no longer thinks this, I can't help but think that was God's way of telling me that I'm exactly where I need to be. And if he is my only child, he is enough. I have been blessed beyond measure and it often only takes a few words to be reminded.
If you're struggling today I pray you know you are loved. You are special. You are exactly where you're meant to be. Whatever you're struggling with - you're not alone. I recently read something that stuck with me. "last time I checked, I survived even my worst day." Sometimes it feel like all we can do is survive. And that is ok. We aren't perfect, but we are trying to just do the best we can for that day and time. And that is enough. You are enough for someone. I am enough for my family. I am exactly where I need to be.