Wednesday, August 16, 2017

All the Feels

I read a book, Captivating, by John and Staci Eldridge. One of the things I remember is that the world is lucky women are so emotional. We are often taught to think or believe or act that having a lot of emotions are a bad thing. But if we aren't emotional, who will teach our kids to love and be sad and be angry and be happy? And all those things. Who will teach our children that it is absolutely ok to have those feelings, to have the attachment, to care about something enough to BE emotional? I often joke that men are dead inside. But I really don't think that is the truth. I think they are taught that men are not supposed to be emotional. One of the pastors at my church cries every time he delivers a sermon. Some might find this weak. I find it amazing and uplifting. I love to hear him speak. Because I know he firmly and truly feels what he is saying to us.

So why do we, as women, try to hide our emotions? Is it because we are scared of looking weak? How many times have you told a friend or your kids or anyone that it is ok to cry? That it is ok to be angry. To be hurt. To be excited. To be not okay. Or to be better than okay. How many times do you say, I'm fine, when someone asks if you are ok? Friends, I'm not okay. I'm emotional, and it isn't even time for PMS. So I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm just in a funk. One that has lasted longer than normal. And that is okay. I will be fine, but if I'm honest, I'm not right now. I want to be alone and have a good book and good food. For a few days. I can't do that right now because life happens. So right now I'll settle for going to get a pedicure at lunch, with a good book, and hope that helps. If it doesn't, I'll try something else. I guess the point is that sometimes it isn't easily fixed. So we have to keep trying until we are good. And we have to tell people we aren't ok. Tell your mom. Tell your spouse. Tell your friends. You might be surprised how willing they are to help or give you that weekend away or that night alone. You never know.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A New Road

My wonderful son is now 5 years old. He is both my greatest accomplishment and sometimes a pain in the ass. He comes by it honestly. I never really feel like I get this parenting thing right. I yell too much, I scroll Facebook too often, I give in more than I should. But I love. So much.

I never thought I would only have one child. It was never in the plan. We are meant to multiply, right? You know how when you get married everyone asks when you're going to have kids? Well, even with kids, they still ask. When are you going to have more? Don't you want more kids? You better start working on it! People, just worry about you. I finally had to tell a very well meaning person that sometimes it just isn't that easy.

About three months ago I started having extremely painful periods. I've always had horrible periods and been plagued with endometriosis. But this was different. This was worse than labor. I went to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night (I don't recommend that to anyone). I throw up because the pain is so intense. I am sore for days because my body gets so tense from trying to stay still and not move, and just somehow, make it through. I have taken more ibuprofen than anyone probably should. I finally got a prescription for something more and it didn't touch the pain.

The last non-surgical option is to get an IUD inserted. This seems like a no-brainer, right? It isn't. Doing this means I give up any chance of having another child. Of bringing a perfect child into my already amazing family. To have another product of the love I have for my husband. Well, that happened today. I am so broken by it. But I couldn't bear another month of that pain. It scares my husband, it upsets my son to see me in so much pain, and it scares me too.

I have often struggled with trusting God's plan. It is sometimes difficult to see where the road is going and know I should just follow. This is one of those times. I know I needed to do this for my family though.

The other night my son told me that he chose me for his mommy and that I was his favorite and better than the other moms. While I'm sure there will be many times he no longer thinks this, I can't help but think that was God's way of telling me that I'm exactly where I need to be. And if he is my only child, he is enough. I have been blessed beyond measure and it often only takes a few words to be reminded.

If you're struggling today I pray you know you are loved. You are special. You are exactly where you're meant to be. Whatever you're struggling with - you're not alone. I recently read something that stuck with me. "last time I checked, I survived even my worst day." Sometimes it feel like all we can do is survive. And that is ok. We aren't perfect, but we are trying to just do the best we can for that day and time. And that is enough. You are enough for someone. I am enough for my family. I am exactly where I need to be.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

To be right

Have you ever wanted to do something, only so you could prove someone wrong? So that's where I am right now. In more than one arena of life.

My best friend and I have talked about starting a book club for years. We've talked about books and the wine we will have and how meeting around the week of July 4th is a bad idea and then my birthday is coming so maybe we should look at August and then, WTF, Christmas is a horrible time to start a book club so lets look at the beginning of the year. Yeah, for a few years now.

Finally her husband got brave and said, "You guys have been planning this for years, you'll never actually do it" which was apparently all we needed. We have both said, "the timing isn't great, but he can't win". I honestly don't think he cares at all.

The other day my husband and I were talking about going running. I need someone to run with - cause my lazy butt won't do it on my own. So he said, "well, we can run together for awhile then we can split apart". I said, ummmm, excuse me? What do you mean? Keep in mind he hasn't run in years. But he is one of those annoying people that can run for a mile after drinking a 12 pack of beer.

He quickly realized he had said the wrong thing because he meant that we won't run at the same pace and he wasn't waiting for my slow butt. Ok. that's fine. I'll show him. I'm going to start running and never even ask him to go.

Except that running sucks and he is probably right. Dang it. You go run, honey. I'll be here keeping your kid alive and stuff. I still win!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The first time

I know how horrible this is going to sound so I apologize in advance, but anyone who has ever struggled with their weight, felt like the biggest person at the party, or wondered about the size of people going somewhere will understand.

I was just in a meeting with 4 other women and I was the smallest one. I honestly don't think that has ever happened before.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

How many does it take?

I got a job offer last week (same company, different job) and there were 5 people listed that I would report to.

Where do I sign?

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


I haven't been funny in awhile and that perplexes me. Last night as I was putting down little boy I was running through possible blog topics in my head. I know, I should have been singing him to sleep, but he often says, "Stop, momma" when I start singing.

Did I ever tell you that Brad used to play the Bass guitar for our Church? The practices were held at our house but he had to miss one week. I tried singing him the song to tell him what they were going to be playing. He said, and I quote, "Don't ever do that again." As in don't ever sing any song again lest my ears bleed and cause me to die a horrible, painful death.

But I'm not bitter. I still sing in the car. Often. Especially when he is with me.

I saw a blog the other day about motherhood and what it has taught us. Most of it was true. But each child is different and so here is what my child has taught me.

1. When planning a bedtime - don't. You have a general idea of what time you'd like to get them into bed. You also have a general idea of what you'll do with lottery winnings. One is to hire a nanny that can get my child into bed without it taking 45 minutes. Honestly, it took 45 minutes from dressing of pajamas to "go to sleep, mommy is leaving the room" and it working.

2. Boys are boys. Bodily functions are awesome. The ability to pee across the room is the best. trick. ever.

3. Waking my child up is a bad idea. He is a morning person through and through. Every morning I am greeted with a, "HI MOMMA!". At 6:00ish. But the one day I have to wake HIM up you would think I took away his paci, his blanket, all his stuffed animals and ran over them with the car right in front of him.

4. Speaking of paci - the day you take it away is the day he will actually learn how to say the word. Incessantly.

5. Large groups of people are the perfect place to announce that you "PEE PEE!!!!", or "POO POO!!!!" on the potty.

6. The first time you hear "Why, momma" it is the sweetest, most amazing thing in world. It is also the only time.

7. Your child will pick up bad habits. It may be from daycare. It may be from preschool. It may be from Nana. Most certainly from Daddy. Mommy, of course, is perfect. But one day you will be watching TV and he will pass gas and will look at you and say, "nice...". Yes. This will happen to you.

8. They will go through a phase. Mine has gone through a hitting phase, a food throwing phase, and is now is a "no" phase. Remember that you have more education that your lovely 2 year old and you will eventually win.

9. Bribery is an art. Eventually the small stuff stops working. You have to be inventive. I started with, "if you eat your beans you can have fruit." Most of the time this still works. But sometimes you have to pull out the big guns. "If you let mommy brush your teeth you can play with the faucet". Hey, he likes it, it works, I'm using it.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Damn, I hate when he is funny

Last night on the way to dinner my husband was talking about something he is building. Unfortunately my first response was, "So how much is this costing me?" Unfortunate because I shouldn't immediately go to that, and unfortunate because of his answer. He was very gracious and said he would spread the time out so it wasn't all at one time. Of course, he is still spending the money. Money is my thing. It's my idol. I don't worship it, but I rely on it too much. If you had been in situations where you didn't really know how you were going to pay for things you would be the same. I never assume money will always be there. So I'm still upset about the money, thinking what I could do with that much money, and overall plotting revenge. Then he says, "Well, if you don't want to survive the Zombie apocolypse then that is your choice." Fine, you win.