Thursday, May 28, 2009

Do I get a Do-Over?

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I am not a 'girlie-girl'. I don't squeal (unless, of course, it is due to spiders), I don't really like pink (which my husband can't understand) and I definitely don't primp. I have a rule that I have to be able to do my hair in 5 minutes. I get out of the shower, comb it, and gel it. I do not get my nails done (toes not included), I don't go to make up counters and I'm not a phone talker. I'm not a girlie-girl. Oh, I am absolutely HATE shopping.

But I love weddings. I had the honor of going to my cousin's wedding in Boston this weekend. It was a beautiful wedding. Ceremony outside at sunset, etc. And of course, I cried. I think I cry at weddings even if I don't know the people getting married. I cried so much at my wedding I had to tell the pastor to 'hang on a sec'. Not one of my finer moments. I may be emotional, but I'm not girlie. :)

At the reception I commented on how much I wanted to get married again. I loved my wedding. I had a great time and probably broke every etiquette rule, but I didn't care. I had fun with my husband and made it a day I would remember. After my comment, someone asked me if I would do it all over again, with the same husband. I know, odd question. But we are family, it was more of a joke. The problem is...a few years ago, I would have answered differently. I would have said no.

About two and 1/2 years ago we started going through some really tough times. And it really slapped us in the face. We had a great marriage, one that our friends envied. We didn't even have to try at it. We were so in love it all came naturally. We were completely broke so there were those stresses, but that was it. It was all easy. Or so we thought...

We started to get very complacent and stopped thinking about the other person. We stopped making the other a priority. And worst of all, we didn't communicate. AT. ALL. God was no where in our marriage which led us down a road that no one should ever have to go. There was a time of separation for us. Our families were completely shocked too. I don't tend to divulge a lot to anyone so for me to leave and not talk about it really scared people. I can't remember how long we were separated. Long enough.

I was being completely selfish, but I validated it. Can't we always? We got married right out of college and after 8 years of marriage I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. My husband was stuck between giving me my space and fighting for someone that didn't want to be fought for. I was stuck between hell and...hell. I was involved with people and things that were so harmful to me. I drank too much and I slept very little. I lost 35 pounds. That part I liked. :) But it was stress and not eating and working out too much, trying to make myself feel better.

When I finally came home it wasn't because I wanted to. It was because I felt like I had to or because I thought I should. I fought it. I was only there physically, not mentally. And that went on for a long time. Too long. I remember talking with a church group (who knew nothing about what was going on) and they were talking about love. Someone said that love is a choice. It is. It is not a feeling. Sure, it is in the beginning, but that fades. After it fades, what do you have? You have a choice. I chose wrong. I chose to be selfish and make decisions that I would regret for the rest of my life.

I don't remember what made me finally chose correctly. But I remember the feeling. Do you know people who said they immediately felt different after choosing Christ? I never had that. My conversion to a believer was a slow one. But this one I remember. I chose to stop seeing the bad stuff in my husband. I chose to stop seeing us as separate. I chose to see that we were brought together by our Heavenly Father. I chose to be there and be receptive to my husband and give him the grace he had given me. Its the best decision I have ever made.

Its sad that we went through what we did. I know we are not alone. And our marriage is now stronger because of it. I thank the Lord every day that He stood by me and chose a husband for me that would do the same. I thank the Lord that I am still one of His children.

There are plenty of people who would say they wouldn't change anything in their past because it made them who they are today. While that may be true, I am not one of those people. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could take away my actions. The hurt I caused, the hurt that is still felt, the hurt that may never go away. Given the opportunity, I would gladly take a 'do-over'.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Pity Party Time

Yeah, yeah. No one wants to hear it. I don't care. I need to say it. No one reads anyway. And hence begins my pity party.

It all started this morning with the stupid eggs. I like to cook for my husband. I really do. I just suck at it. I have no confidence and he is such a good cook that it just makes it worse. I think he is just really comfortable in the kitchen. I'm comfortable cleaning the kitchen. But since I have been laid off I have really tried to be much more domestic in the kitchen. But I hate frying pans. The cast-iron-cause-a-really-big-knot-in-your-head-and-a-pain-to-clean ones. My husband loves them. So he wanted sausage and eggs this morning and he wanted them cooked in the skillet. I tried to tell him I hated them. (this is not his fault, by the way) Anyway, sausage, no problem. Eggs, problem. The pan was too hot and they stuck and I couldn't flip them and they were just ugly and ruined. Then came time for my eggs. I prefer the non-stick, easy to clean, thing and I didn't put butter in it because I'm trying to act healthier and they stuck. Needless to say to anyone who knows me, egg ended up on the back of the stove, the top of the stove, everywhere but where it needed to be. Then I proceeded to pout. A lot.

My husband, bless his heart, tried to console me. Its useless. Do you ever have those days when you just want to be in a bad mood? Where you think it is just your day and you want everyone to leave you alone? Just me? Well, that is today.

I just want to feel like I am good at something. Anything. I can't even freakin' cook eggs right. I want to have a talent, to feel like I have something to offer. See...pity party. I am just so overwhelmed. And I'm going to a wedding this weekend and everyone will be skinny and it just pisses me off. ;)

Ok, tangent there. Anyway, I would love some suggestions, maybe some passages, to read to help me out. Any suggestions?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Doing it right

I had the honor of taking the other car to get new tires today. Luckily, no rain nor flat tires were involved. As I was waiting, I walked up to a local fast food restaurant to study for a bit and grab a bite to eat. As I was there I noticed something that melted my heart. There were a group of four older men eating together. This isn't abnormal. Usually they are with their wives or something, but there was just something about this group of men. They were probably about 75 years old, possibly widowed as none of them were wearing wedding rings. I listened (ok, eavesdropped) on their conversation a little and heard them talk about fun things they had done together. I didn't get the feeling this was an uncommon occurrence, them getting together for breakfast. What struck me, was the feeling I had about them. I could feel their strength. They lived through a time when the world was much different, men were much different. I see a lot of men wanting to become like them and I love it. I think our society has allowed men to soften, to become emasculate. This is not what our society, or our women, need. These men had more than likely been in war, seen things that our minds don't want to imagine. Men in that generation are reverred and rightfully so.

What also struck me was how men get it right. Women, myself included, tend to dwell on the little things, the things that don't really matter. Women seldom slow down to breathe. I'm not a mother but based on how busy I feel now, I can only imagine how frazzled I will be then. We need to slow down. We need to let the kitchen be messy, the laundry unfolded, as long as it leads to the things that are important. Sunggling on the couch with your love, even if it invovles watching 3 months of playoffs. Coloring with your kids, or friend's kids, even if it means it isn't in the lines. I am really bad at this. I feel like I need to be doing something, anything to be useful. I gauge myself on how much I get done, or how clean my house is, or how much I make. WHO CARES???? In the end, only me. And that is not how I want to live. I want to live based on how He would care. I will fail, but I will try.

So as these four men left the restaurant with their coffee and smiles, they did another thing surprising. They got into the same car. Even if you are a strong man, its ok to depend on someone else to help you get where you are going. Cause none of us can do it alone.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Irony: a definition defines irony as:

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is opposite its literal meaning.
2. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.

Or as I would like to use it today...

"an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected."

Please allow me to offer an illustration.

Last week I got my car inspected. As I am normally late, the new rules in NC make it much harder to get your registration/insurance if you don't do this on time. The very nice gentleman passed me, even though my tires were...lacking. He actually told me that I needed new tires. This I know. I also need money for tires. wonderful husband made an appointment for me to get new tires this morning. I was so proud of myself because I was actually going to be on time. Actually early. I allowed enough time for slow drivers, long stop lights, even school buses. However, I did not allow enough time for a flat tire. Because surely that wouldn't happen. So, I am driving down my driveway, thinking...."hmmm, something doesn't sound quite right". (Did I mention I worry too much?) I pulled over and checked the tires because I have a horrible fear of having flat tires, even though I've had enough to get over that fear. Lo and behold, completely flat tire.

I called my husband, told him the situation, and he laughed. Oh, I forgot to mention it was raining. And he is laughing! He stopped when he realized he would have to come change it because even though I am independent, I'm not the most coordinated and I do rely on men for tire changing. Plus, it is REALLY hard to get those lugnuts off.

I thought I would help him out before he got there. I took out the spare tire, the manual (I'm a girl, we read directions) and tried to get the jack the rain. He got there about 10 minutes later and promptly put them all back in the trunk and told me to drive back to the house. Wait...I'm trying to help and you tell me to drive back home? HUH? Oh, you mean you don't want to change the tire in the current of water...makes sense.

Anyway, finally got the tire off and put the spare on (he did, not me) and guess what...its almost flat. Yes, I should have been named Murphy. But all is well. The tires are new and the spare is full of air...for next time the flat tire comes.

Monday, May 4, 2009

What is my purpose

First of all, yes, I realize I am late to the blogging scene. It fits...I'm late to everything. I hate it too. I underestimate how long it will take me to get places, probably because I assume everyone else will drive as well as I think I do. I decided to start blogging because, well, I have time now. I was recently laid off and am thoroughly enjoying it! But it has started me thinking...what is my purpose?

I grew up with a mom who didn't work until I was in my teens. And then, due to divorce, she had to work two jobs. I always wanted to work so I could be as independent as possible. I would never rely on anyone! Then college comes and you meet the man of your dreams. :) I still wanted to work, but mostly because I didn't know what else I would do. I have a friend who got married and had children pretty soon after marriage. She didn't work. I completely scoffed at her..."why do you want to go to school for 4 years, only to do nothing with it???". Now, I'm thinking she had it right.

Here's the problem. I have absolutely no reason to stay home. Sure, its nice to be able to clean the house and make dinner and do all the things wives are supposed to do. But is that my only identity? Is that my only purpose? Surely it can't be. The Lord surely wouldn't put this desire in me for nothing, right?

So I'm stuck. I want to work to be useful. I want to help out the finances (actually, I think I have to work right now), I want to do more than laundry and yard work. But at the same time, I don't. I'm trying to pray about it. I'm trying to let the Lord lead both of which I am horrible. Hence, the blog begins. I have long wanted to know how I fit into this world. I have no discernible talent, I do not have children...the list could go on, but I'm afraid it would sound a bit like a pity party. Hopefully this blog will allow me to figure things out, or at least be ok with the things I have no control over. Hopefully you won't be too bored!