Thursday, May 28, 2009

Do I get a Do-Over?

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I am not a 'girlie-girl'. I don't squeal (unless, of course, it is due to spiders), I don't really like pink (which my husband can't understand) and I definitely don't primp. I have a rule that I have to be able to do my hair in 5 minutes. I get out of the shower, comb it, and gel it. I do not get my nails done (toes not included), I don't go to make up counters and I'm not a phone talker. I'm not a girlie-girl. Oh, I am absolutely HATE shopping.

But I love weddings. I had the honor of going to my cousin's wedding in Boston this weekend. It was a beautiful wedding. Ceremony outside at sunset, etc. And of course, I cried. I think I cry at weddings even if I don't know the people getting married. I cried so much at my wedding I had to tell the pastor to 'hang on a sec'. Not one of my finer moments. I may be emotional, but I'm not girlie. :)

At the reception I commented on how much I wanted to get married again. I loved my wedding. I had a great time and probably broke every etiquette rule, but I didn't care. I had fun with my husband and made it a day I would remember. After my comment, someone asked me if I would do it all over again, with the same husband. I know, odd question. But we are family, it was more of a joke. The problem is...a few years ago, I would have answered differently. I would have said no.

About two and 1/2 years ago we started going through some really tough times. And it really slapped us in the face. We had a great marriage, one that our friends envied. We didn't even have to try at it. We were so in love it all came naturally. We were completely broke so there were those stresses, but that was it. It was all easy. Or so we thought...

We started to get very complacent and stopped thinking about the other person. We stopped making the other a priority. And worst of all, we didn't communicate. AT. ALL. God was no where in our marriage which led us down a road that no one should ever have to go. There was a time of separation for us. Our families were completely shocked too. I don't tend to divulge a lot to anyone so for me to leave and not talk about it really scared people. I can't remember how long we were separated. Long enough.

I was being completely selfish, but I validated it. Can't we always? We got married right out of college and after 8 years of marriage I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. My husband was stuck between giving me my space and fighting for someone that didn't want to be fought for. I was stuck between hell and...hell. I was involved with people and things that were so harmful to me. I drank too much and I slept very little. I lost 35 pounds. That part I liked. :) But it was stress and not eating and working out too much, trying to make myself feel better.

When I finally came home it wasn't because I wanted to. It was because I felt like I had to or because I thought I should. I fought it. I was only there physically, not mentally. And that went on for a long time. Too long. I remember talking with a church group (who knew nothing about what was going on) and they were talking about love. Someone said that love is a choice. It is. It is not a feeling. Sure, it is in the beginning, but that fades. After it fades, what do you have? You have a choice. I chose wrong. I chose to be selfish and make decisions that I would regret for the rest of my life.

I don't remember what made me finally chose correctly. But I remember the feeling. Do you know people who said they immediately felt different after choosing Christ? I never had that. My conversion to a believer was a slow one. But this one I remember. I chose to stop seeing the bad stuff in my husband. I chose to stop seeing us as separate. I chose to see that we were brought together by our Heavenly Father. I chose to be there and be receptive to my husband and give him the grace he had given me. Its the best decision I have ever made.

Its sad that we went through what we did. I know we are not alone. And our marriage is now stronger because of it. I thank the Lord every day that He stood by me and chose a husband for me that would do the same. I thank the Lord that I am still one of His children.

There are plenty of people who would say they wouldn't change anything in their past because it made them who they are today. While that may be true, I am not one of those people. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could take away my actions. The hurt I caused, the hurt that is still felt, the hurt that may never go away. Given the opportunity, I would gladly take a 'do-over'.

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