Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Legacy of Life

Some of you know that Brad's grandmother passed away this week. I must be honest, I've had very little death in my immediate family so it is sometimes hard to empathize with the grief. This actually worries me. I wonder how badly I will take it when the grief hits too close to home.

Regardless, Brad's grandmother was a wonderful person. We toasted her today after the funeral. She had a glass (or two) of White Zinfandel every day. She was in a nursing home and they didn't allow it so she actually had the doctor write her a prescription for it. Of course today, we all toasted with White Zinfandel. We went around the room and told what she meant to us. She was and is very loved. What I will always remember about her are the cards she would send us. I'm a card person. I love to get cards. I love to give cards (even though I'm bad at it). She would send us one for our birthday, Christmas, even our anniversary. And she did it for everyone! Everyone around her felt loved.

But I learned so much about her this weekend too. Many of you also know that Brad is very musically gifted. I am completely jealous of this ability. I now know where he acquired his gift. At the end of the funeral they played a recording of her singing The Lord's Prayer from 1945. It was majestic. I had only known her as an old woman, but hearing the power in her voice, you couldn't help but see her as she was in 1945...a beautiful, powerful, amazing young woman.

While it was a very somber occasion, it was the perfect tribute to a woman I am lucky to have known. During the toast, someone mentioned that it was the first funeral he had been to where the deceased was the star of her own funeral! And that sums "Gar" up perfectly.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dark side of the Moon

You know the movie "Forrest Gump"? Well, I think a woman's life is actually like double sided tape. There are two sides. Both work equally well for different things. I feel like this has been my life a lot lately. There are two "me's". There is the happy one. The one I show at work, the one that tells everyone "I'm good, how are you?". Then there is the one on the inside. The one you know is there in everyone, but are afraid to find. The one we push down to the depths in hopes it goes away. The one that finds us in our darkest hour.

As women, we like to hold on to our own struggles. We like to think we can do it alone, no one knows what our particular hell is like. I have a woman at work who is great. If I need a pick me up, she is the one I go to. She is very complimentary of me for no reason at all. I'm afraid to tell her how wrong she is. How everything she compliments is one of the reasons I'm unhappy, or has made me unhappy in the past.

"You have beautiful eyes." Thank you, but they have seen things no one ever should.

"You have beautiful hair." Thank you, but too many times I've thought of ripping it out, cutting it off so I wouldn't stand out in any way.

"You are nice to everyone." Thank you, but secretly I would rather run away and be alone. I'm nice so they don't know the real me.

Even as I write this I find myself not fully letting go. I won't write things I don't want people to know. "I'll deal with it myself." "There is no need to share that.", etc. etc.

Now don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends. Wonderful friends. Friends that have shouldered more than I could for them. But through no fault of their own, they are still friends I can't show everything to. Its easier for me to be the funny one, the sarcastic one. The one who makes light of every situation. Because, otherwise, they might see the dark side of the moon.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Me and My Dreams

I've mentioned my odd dreams on here before. Sometimes I really freak me out. Usually someone is trying to kill me...I think that is a manifestation of people that want to kill me in real life. I'm not sure why anyone would want to kill someone as awesome as me. It just doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I've had three VERY odd dreams lately. All very short, but I remember them.

1. My bad stepdad used to be married. Well, of course he did, he was married to my mom. But between my mom and his latest ex-wife he had another wife who wasn't very nice. Do you think mean people gravitate towards each other? If so they were perfect together. They got married when I was in college and the only thing I remember about their marriage is I had to miss the UNC v. Maryland basketball game. Whats the big deal, you may ask? Well, I had 2nd row seats behind the Carolina Team. There is a picture in the Wendy's in Carrboro that I SHOULD be in. How do I know this? The girl I was supposed to go with is in it. I never really got over it (obviously). So imagine my shock when I have a dream with her in it (they haven't been married in at least 10 years). I dreamt she won the lottery and gave me some of the money. If only that could happen in real life.

On a side note...I think dreamt looks really funny as a word.

2. I had a dream that a swan was trying to pluck my eyes out with it's beak. Yeah, they aren't so beautiful when they are going for your eyes. pun intended.

3. Brad and I have this great friend. Brad has known him since elementary school and I met him in college. He is great, I love him like a brother. The problem...he is just like Brad. We kid around that they share a colon. Anyone who has been around Brad after Mexican food can empathize. This great friend will come visit sometimes and when he does it is just like old times. We go out to eat, watch movies, go to baseball games...just about anything. So its not entirely odd that I would dream about him. In my dream, however, I dreamt we were all in a car going somewhere. Apparently we had just eaten Mexican food because I had to roll the window down and stick my head out so I could breathe. It was as if someone put off two stink bombs in the same car...wait, that IS what they did. Anyway, I woke up as the wind was hitting my face, allowing me to breathe what I hoped wasn't my last breath. As I woke up, I realized my head was elevated, trying to breathe cleaner air because my dog had just farted and was suffocating me.