You know the movie "Forrest Gump"? Well, I think a woman's life is actually like double sided tape. There are two sides. Both work equally well for different things. I feel like this has been my life a lot lately. There are two "me's". There is the happy one. The one I show at work, the one that tells everyone "I'm good, how are you?". Then there is the one on the inside. The one you know is there in everyone, but are afraid to find. The one we push down to the depths in hopes it goes away. The one that finds us in our darkest hour.
As women, we like to hold on to our own struggles. We like to think we can do it alone, no one knows what our particular hell is like. I have a woman at work who is great. If I need a pick me up, she is the one I go to. She is very complimentary of me for no reason at all. I'm afraid to tell her how wrong she is. How everything she compliments is one of the reasons I'm unhappy, or has made me unhappy in the past.
"You have beautiful eyes." Thank you, but they have seen things no one ever should.
"You have beautiful hair." Thank you, but too many times I've thought of ripping it out, cutting it off so I wouldn't stand out in any way.
"You are nice to everyone." Thank you, but secretly I would rather run away and be alone. I'm nice so they don't know the real me.
Even as I write this I find myself not fully letting go. I won't write things I don't want people to know. "I'll deal with it myself." "There is no need to share that.", etc. etc.
Now don't get me wrong, I have amazing friends. Wonderful friends. Friends that have shouldered more than I could for them. But through no fault of their own, they are still friends I can't show everything to. Its easier for me to be the funny one, the sarcastic one. The one who makes light of every situation. Because, otherwise, they might see the dark side of the moon.