Is Closer Better?

It's getting closer.  I can tell.  And it really scares me.  I'm having lots of contractions (always hurt at night...thanks a ton).  Pressure in all the right (or wrong) places, babies head in position.  Now all I have to do is wait.  And anyone that knows me knows I don't do that well. 

I would of course be due around a major holiday, so the doula we've hired is going out of town.  We have a back up, but it isn't the same.  The back up won't pray with us, we don't have the same connection, etc.  So I hope to either go before she leaves, which would essentially be this weekend, or after she returns, which doesn't sound much better.

We've also decided to do a water birth.  Women's hospital will allow them now and my midwives are on board.  Let's hope baby is. 

My house is a wreck, my china cabinet still isn't unpacked and work is crazy.  Part of me knows none of that matters, but I hate that it is in the back of my head. 

And I'm scared to death about PPD.  Can I handle the stress of a newborn?  Can I be a good enough mom?  Will I ever measure up?  You know, just everyday questions...

Letters (the snail mail kind)

I'm reading a book right now that actually made me laugh out loud.  That doesn't happen often.  Usually my laughing out loud comes at the hand of "America's Funniest Home Videos".  I have memories of talking to my mom on the phone while we were both watching that show and laughing hysterically.  When I need a pick me up, it's my go-to show.

But this book in intriguing.  It is completely made up of letters to and from its characters.  It was frustrating at first, but now I love it.  It's almost as if the characters let you in, but only so much because how much can you tell about a person from a letter since it is void of conversation and emotions (that can be seen or described in literature)?  And maybe that is why I like it.  It reminds me of myself. 

Brad and I watched a movie recently that was recommended:  Waitress.  While the acting and story line were good, I don't think I can actually recommend it to anyone.  It doesn't have the best moral story.  However, I've been a Keri Russell fan since Felicity and if I had any bravery at all I would cut my hair off in the hopes of having it grow back and look like hers.  But I digress.  In the movie she is having a baby that she doesn't want.  But she starts to write the child letters.  They change depending on the events of her life at the time.  Some are apologetic for not wanting it, some are mad for the child making her stay in a bad marriage, some are hopeful of what will come.  But all are from the heart.  The movie made me cry at one point because it told the child what she hoped for it.  And it wasn't about having riches or happiness even.  It was about having love.  The kind where someone will hug you for 20 minutes and not say anything, just because they know you need it even thought their arms have long since fallen asleep and they really need a drink of water kind of love. 

I wonder what I would write to my unborn child if I could.  It is safe to say that I've run the whole spectrum of emotions during this pregnancy.  And I imagine that will be the case after birth as well.  And maybe it's fair for them to know as much as possible about life and all that comes with it.  But maybe it's better for them to find out on their own too.  Make their own life.  Make their own memories.  But maybe it can't hurt to give them a head start.  Here is my first letter:

Dear Baby:

Life is tough, but you will survive, I promise.  And you will be better for it.  Take the good with the bad and love each the same for they happen for a reason.  And I'm sorry for all the mistakes I will make and all the therapy bills you will probably  have.  I promise to have good insurance for you.  And I love you.  Even though I haven't met you., and more than you can imagine.

Love,

Mom

Be still

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteiousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;"

Psalm 37: 5-7 ESV

As a person, this is the hardest thing for me.  How can we sit by and "trust in him" when we want action?  We want what we want.  But what we want may not be what He has in store for us. 

So I ask for your prayers today, and everyday.  Be still.  Be patient.  For him. 

Double Standards

It's always a struggle for me.  Should I say this or not?  Should I tell my boss this bothers me or not?  As I've mentioned before, I have two bosses in this office.  Both are great in their own way.  But one is male, one is female.  I will bring things to them differently.  I will bring certain things to the female, not to the male. 

So this morning I get an email that just really burns my butt.  But how do I react?  Do I send it to the male boss (because it was from one of his other employees)?  Or do I do nothing?  Because afterall I'm female, pregnant, emotional, etc, etc.  All those adjectives they will use to negate the issue.  And they are both male. 

Do I do nothing and allow it to happen again?  Yes, I know the correct answer is to go directly to the person I have an issue with.  Been there.  Done that.  Useless. 

I really feel like I can't do anything.  My male boss hates complainers.  My female boss hates for people to be treated that way.

Just frustrating. 

It just fits

This weekend Brad and I celebrated our 12 year wedding anniversary.  I know I should have written this sooner, but hellooooo, I'm a little busy.  We got to celebrate by doing Children's Church and then continuing to move and pack.  By 9:00 we were just plain exhausted.  On Saturday we were going to get something for dinner and I said, "how about you go in and get dinner while I run into Hallmark".  He said, "what do you need at Hallmark?".  Yes, I thought it was kinda an obvious one as well.  I simply replied, "A card."  He then quickly said, "how about we both go in Hallmark".  We'd both been so busy we hadn't had time to even get a card for each other!

Suffice it to say, we didn't get to enjoy each other or our special day this year.  But honestly, that is ok.  Sure, a trip would have been wonderful.  A dinner out would have been nice.  But I get to spend every day with him, and that is enough.  Sometimes more than enough.  :)  Just knowing he is there is such a comfort to me that I struggle how to tell people who are newlyweds or looking for spouses or getting ready to get married just how wonderful it is.  After the newness fades and you've seen the absolute worst in each other, how do you explain how awesome that is?  I know that sounds like an oxymoron, (I just love that word) but there is something about knowing what he is going to say or how he is going to react that I love.  There is something to knowing that during football season I need to get my talking in before the games that I love too.  And there is something to knowing that when he says "So, I was thinking...", I need to run for cover that is comforting.  Because it is Brad.  And through the divine grace of God, he is mine. 

Where did it come from?

No, not talking about babies.  But as I was typing an email to a dear person who doesn't blog nearly as much as she should, spellchecker said "blog" wasn't a word.  Surely it is.  We've used it for years now.  I know I'm not spelling it incorrectly. 

So where does the working girl go to find out the down-low on everything?  Wikipedia, of course.

Here you go...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blog

Note to Self

Everyone knows I love my dogs.  They are cute and sweet and love me even though they shouldn't.  While our house was on the market my mother was very gracious in taking them off our hands for a bit.  I think it was actually about a month.  They came home this weekend and since then it has become apparent what having my dogs back tell me:

• They are hairy.  Their hair likes my floor.  Their hair likes my nose.  Their hair likes my clothes.  My house was much cleaner for the month they were gone. 
• They are loud.  They 'talk' too much.  They whine too much.  Things were much quieter while they were gone.
• Alarm clocks are unnecessary.  It is now impossible to sleep past 6:30 on a Saturday.  Or any day for that matter. Who needs to eat breakfast that early?  And I know they don't really have to pee. 
• They are stubborn.  I know they can hear me.  Just because one of them is 13 is no excuse to ignore me when I'm talking.  It's funny they can hear the water turn on for dinner or the covers move when I'm getting out bed, but not me telling them to come back inside.
• My house feels smaller.  Is it necessary for them to be under my feet constantly?  I can't tell you the number of times I tell everything with four legs to get out of the kitchen. 
• Going to the bathroom alone is impossible.  Seriously, I always come out.  It's ok.  I don't need company.  Thank you for the thoughtfulness.  Next time bring me flowers out of someone else's garden or buy me dinner.
• Schedules now revolve around them instead of me.  No more running errands after work.  No more...well, that is all I would do.

In retrospect, I now realize I'm just preparing myself for kids.  I think I'm screwed.