Yesterday was my birthday and I've been trying to think of what to write for a blog to commemorate. Thirty-four things about me sounds hard and quite depressing, so we will skip that one for now. Then I started thinking about movies, for no apparent reason, and said aloud (again, for no apparent reason) "I wonder what I would be missing if I was 17 again". So let's just see where this takes us.
1. I wouldn't have a mortgage. Yeah, this is one of those good things. Especially right now as we are getting ready to have two of them. Don't ask. I'll tell later. But secretly I think Brad is trying to kill me.
2. I wouldn't have met Brad yet. This one I'm on the fence about. KIDDING! Well... Brad and I have been through so much that I really can't remember my life before him.
3. I wouldn't have experienced college yet and met some of the most amazing friends I could ever imagine.
4. I wouldn't have been in debt yet (and gotten out). Another good one.
5. I wouldn't have known my own life struggle. I struggled with a lot of things in high school, but nothing that I couldn't sweep under the rug and pretend wasn't there.
6. I wouldn't have gotten close to my brother and sister.
7. I would still be scared to cut certain people out of my life.
8. I wouldn't know the true value of family and friends.
9. I wouldn't know about facebook yet. Or email, really. I knew about it, but all my friends were in school with me, what in the world did I need email for?
10. NO CELL PHONES
11. I wouldn't have time to read for pleasure.
12. I think friends you meet as adults are different and better in their own way.
13. I wouldn't truly know the Lord.
14. I really wouldn't know responsibility yet.
15. I would still get lots of birthday presents.
I often wonder what I would do differently if I could do it all over again. For one, I'd study more in college. But at the same time, that was it's own experience. I lead a very blessed life, one that I really couldn't have imagined at the age of 17. It makes me wonder what will be different when I'm 50! I remember thinking 30 was so old when I was 17. Now I just think anything older than me is old.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Unanswered Prayers
I've been waiting for awhile to write this blog. Three years to be exact. As you know, I've prayed a long time about becoming a mother. I've wanted it so badly it was almost blinding. And for three years I had unanswered prayers. I can see now there was a reason. God really does know what he is doing. It's hard for me to admit I am wrong...even in this case.
Looking back, now I can see I wasn't ready. Sure, I was 30, 31, 32. How can I not be ready to be a mom? There are reasons, and God knew those. Part of it was that I was never really ready to relinquish control. Surely if I just try this one thing, it will work. Well, not always.
I was reading back over my blogs a few weeks ago and came across one I wrote in March of this year. In it I wrote about submitting to God my feelings, my stress, my hurts, my restlessness. The timing is interesting. Because about 2 weeks later, I found out I was expecting. :)
To any of you who I haven't told personally, I'm truly sorry! But I just couldn't keep it in anymore! Sorry for the bad quality of the picture, I couldn't get my scanner to work.
Looking back, now I can see I wasn't ready. Sure, I was 30, 31, 32. How can I not be ready to be a mom? There are reasons, and God knew those. Part of it was that I was never really ready to relinquish control. Surely if I just try this one thing, it will work. Well, not always.
I was reading back over my blogs a few weeks ago and came across one I wrote in March of this year. In it I wrote about submitting to God my feelings, my stress, my hurts, my restlessness. The timing is interesting. Because about 2 weeks later, I found out I was expecting. :)
To any of you who I haven't told personally, I'm truly sorry! But I just couldn't keep it in anymore! Sorry for the bad quality of the picture, I couldn't get my scanner to work.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Say it ain't so!
This is like peanut butter without the jelly. Like macaroni without the cheese. Like me without awesome.
A hit square in the gut
I ran across this article today and wanted to share. I ran across it a day after someone sat in my office and told me he didn't want to stay in North Carolina because we are a racist state. I couldn't believe it. I was dumbfounded that he thought we, of all people, are racist. After all, he went to college in Wisconsin. Have you been to Wisconsin? They are about as diverse as Kansas.
But then I got to thinking, which is always dangerous. I wonder if he considers me racist. I wonder if my non-white friends consider my racist. I say non-white because I want to include anyone outside the general white group. One of my best friends is black. We used to work together and I always knew I couldn't keep a secret from her. She was mad at me at one point and it made me miserable. We don't talk every day, but I would do anything for her.
But outside of her, what do I have to show I'm not racist? I know in my heart I am not. I know I have no patience for people who are. I am as judgemental about white people as I am about anyone. I am usually judgemental about people who dress like this, or people who litter, or people who ignore their children.
When Brad and I were talking about adoption, I never assumed I would adopt only a white child. So it felt like a knife in my gut when he said this. He was generalizing, obviously, but I consider myself a North Carolinian and I don't want the rest of the world thinking we are all members of an unnamed organization that boasts things that are in no way morally or ethically sound. The Bible tells us to be our brother's keeper. I do not think this is supposed to mean only my brother who looks, acts, talks, and thinks like me.
I know this is an odd post, but racism just really burns my butt.
But then I got to thinking, which is always dangerous. I wonder if he considers me racist. I wonder if my non-white friends consider my racist. I say non-white because I want to include anyone outside the general white group. One of my best friends is black. We used to work together and I always knew I couldn't keep a secret from her. She was mad at me at one point and it made me miserable. We don't talk every day, but I would do anything for her.
But outside of her, what do I have to show I'm not racist? I know in my heart I am not. I know I have no patience for people who are. I am as judgemental about white people as I am about anyone. I am usually judgemental about people who dress like this, or people who litter, or people who ignore their children.
When Brad and I were talking about adoption, I never assumed I would adopt only a white child. So it felt like a knife in my gut when he said this. He was generalizing, obviously, but I consider myself a North Carolinian and I don't want the rest of the world thinking we are all members of an unnamed organization that boasts things that are in no way morally or ethically sound. The Bible tells us to be our brother's keeper. I do not think this is supposed to mean only my brother who looks, acts, talks, and thinks like me.
I know this is an odd post, but racism just really burns my butt.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Fear nothing
Have you noticed that there is always something to fear? For one of my friends it is birds. Yes, I think that is completely insane as well. For another friend, it is the Dentist. While that one is more understandable, usually the fear dies in childhood. Or should have. (sorry friends!)
I've noticed that people form fears at a very young age, often without a reason. What is it that causes us to be scared? Some kids, and adults, are afraid of the dark. I may or may not be one of those. I'm not so afraid of the dark, but what is chasing me in the dark. You know, after you go downstairs and turn all the lights off before you go to bed and that thing that is in the dark that wasn't in the light is chasing you up the stairs? I may or may not know anything about that.
I'm also afraid of spiders. Even though I've never been bitten, that I know of. Actually, there was this one time when I had a huge red spot on my tummy. I swear it was a spider bite. But I survived and didn't see it so I have no proof. But I'm fairly sure a jury would convict that spider of biting in the 1st degree. I wonder what the statute of limitations is on spider bites?
I'm afraid of those people with the "Fear Nothing" stickers on their cars or trucks. Driving close to them is really just waiting to see what they will do. But they are usually scared. Or that is what I like to tell myself. That and that the scary thing chasing me up the stairs will disappear as soon as I hit my bed and that the spider that is above my bed is a figment of my imagination and/or is protecting me from said thing chasing me up the stairs.
I've noticed that people form fears at a very young age, often without a reason. What is it that causes us to be scared? Some kids, and adults, are afraid of the dark. I may or may not be one of those. I'm not so afraid of the dark, but what is chasing me in the dark. You know, after you go downstairs and turn all the lights off before you go to bed and that thing that is in the dark that wasn't in the light is chasing you up the stairs? I may or may not know anything about that.
I'm also afraid of spiders. Even though I've never been bitten, that I know of. Actually, there was this one time when I had a huge red spot on my tummy. I swear it was a spider bite. But I survived and didn't see it so I have no proof. But I'm fairly sure a jury would convict that spider of biting in the 1st degree. I wonder what the statute of limitations is on spider bites?
I'm afraid of those people with the "Fear Nothing" stickers on their cars or trucks. Driving close to them is really just waiting to see what they will do. But they are usually scared. Or that is what I like to tell myself. That and that the scary thing chasing me up the stairs will disappear as soon as I hit my bed and that the spider that is above my bed is a figment of my imagination and/or is protecting me from said thing chasing me up the stairs.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A few of my new favorites
Brad just bought me this CD and it has been on repeat ever since.
Eric Hutchinson - Rock and Roll
I got this CD a few months ago and now know every word by heart. I heart them.
The Avett Brothers
"Where nothing is owed, deserved, or expected. And your life doesn't change by the man thats elected. When you're loved by someone you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it."
We're a Happy Family
I've been reading blogs this morning, trying to avoid writing on my own. A good friend of mine recently told me I was the best avoider she knew. That is probably true. I'm not a "it's about me" kinda person. I am the middle child and I think that suited me well. I tended to blend in. I never made problems. I am the peacemaker in my family. Not so much in my marriage, however. :)
I realized I've never spoken about my family on here. Or not in much detail. I had an interesting childhood in some ways. Some ways were completely normal. School was completely normal. Home was not. Don't get me wrong, I still had a good childhood, thanks in large part (heck, thanks completely) to my mother. I'm not going to get into my childhood. That is a conversation best left with therapists and husbands. An interesting side note though: I was talking to my therapist during a visit and brought up something. He was completely shocked because I had never mentioned it before, even after more than a year of visits. Like I said, I'm an avoider.
As I mentioned, I'm a middle child. My brother is about 18 months older. Which was really quite great when we were young. I spoke really late as a child because my brother spoke for me. He would kiss me goodbye when he left for kindergarten. He let me play with his GI Joe's. Then we got older and I was taller than him for a little bit. Then I dated his friends. Neither is good sister behavior.
My brother grew up without a father figure for the majority of his life. Which is why I am so incredibly proud of him. He is such a good dad to his girls. Poor guy, grew up with three women in the house, still has three women in the house. We were typical brother and sister. Fought incessantly. Fought for the front seat, fought for the back seat. Whichever the other had, we wanted. When I would ask him to pass me the rolls at dinner he would lick one before giving it to me. I used to be upset because I never felt like he would have protected me. You think of big brothers as the protectors. Now I realize that #1, I wouldn't have let him, #2, he was just trying to survive himself. He had to become the man of the house as a preteen. He had a lot of pressure on him all the time. And a lot of the time he acted out in ways which I didn't approve. But he was doing the best he could. Sadly, I've only realized this lately. And I haven't told him how proud of him I am.
Tomorrow is Father's Day. And even though he isn't my father, most days he is the closest thing I had. I think it is a good day to tell him.
As a side note, when he cuts his hair he is Dale Earnhardt, Jr's doppleganger.
I realized I've never spoken about my family on here. Or not in much detail. I had an interesting childhood in some ways. Some ways were completely normal. School was completely normal. Home was not. Don't get me wrong, I still had a good childhood, thanks in large part (heck, thanks completely) to my mother. I'm not going to get into my childhood. That is a conversation best left with therapists and husbands. An interesting side note though: I was talking to my therapist during a visit and brought up something. He was completely shocked because I had never mentioned it before, even after more than a year of visits. Like I said, I'm an avoider.
As I mentioned, I'm a middle child. My brother is about 18 months older. Which was really quite great when we were young. I spoke really late as a child because my brother spoke for me. He would kiss me goodbye when he left for kindergarten. He let me play with his GI Joe's. Then we got older and I was taller than him for a little bit. Then I dated his friends. Neither is good sister behavior.
My brother grew up without a father figure for the majority of his life. Which is why I am so incredibly proud of him. He is such a good dad to his girls. Poor guy, grew up with three women in the house, still has three women in the house. We were typical brother and sister. Fought incessantly. Fought for the front seat, fought for the back seat. Whichever the other had, we wanted. When I would ask him to pass me the rolls at dinner he would lick one before giving it to me. I used to be upset because I never felt like he would have protected me. You think of big brothers as the protectors. Now I realize that #1, I wouldn't have let him, #2, he was just trying to survive himself. He had to become the man of the house as a preteen. He had a lot of pressure on him all the time. And a lot of the time he acted out in ways which I didn't approve. But he was doing the best he could. Sadly, I've only realized this lately. And I haven't told him how proud of him I am.
Tomorrow is Father's Day. And even though he isn't my father, most days he is the closest thing I had. I think it is a good day to tell him.
As a side note, when he cuts his hair he is Dale Earnhardt, Jr's doppleganger.
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