Plans don't compute

It surprises me how much my life has been turned completely around in the last 5 months.  I had a plan for my pregnancy, delivery, child.  Why didn't this compute into reality?  Because that just isn't how it works.

Most of you know that we decided moving while pregnant was a good idea.  Trust me when I tell you it isn't.  Too much stress and heavy lifting.  It looked like all would be great until the contract on our house fell through and we had to relist our house.  In our new house we had a bed (on the floor), a tv, two dog beds complete with dogs, a cat (and litterbox) and dishes.  I think we also brought an armoir.  It wasn't the best way to start in a new house.  Well, our house sold and we were finally able to move the rest of our stuff in.  But the putting away was slow going. 

Then I had a pretty traumatic event happen.  I won't go into detail, but know that I was worried about continuing to carry Aaron, going into early labor, and pretty much every thing else bad.  I was afraid this event would shape my pregnancy and the rest of my life.  The good news is that I really don't dwell on it anymore.  The birth of Aaron really helped erase a lot of the trauma from it.  It still hurts, but it is insignificant in comparison.

Then the birth.  Talk about plans not going accordingly.  I went from wanting a natural water birth to having almost every medical intervention.  When I say stubborn runs in the family it doesn't even begin to describe it.  I was in labor for 24 hours, 20 hours without medication and the whole time I was at the hospital they had to monitor Aaron because they were worried about his heart rate.  Put this on top of not progressing (and I mean staying at 5 cm for about 12 hours) and you have a recipe for c section.  But I couldn't stop there.  No.  I had to get a spinal block b/c the epidural didn't take.  Then I thought I was going to die because I felt like I couldn't breathe.  Turns out I could, but my lungs were numb.  I don't recommend a spinal block. 

Then the fight.  Lets just say the c section threw a wrench in our plans.  Our original plan was to have time to ourselves to bond and nurse, etc.  When that didn't happen it caused a big issue with a family member because I was going to be the first person to hold my child, regardless of what time it was.  So this family member and I spent quite a few weeks not really speaking and it is time that neither of us will get back.

Then nursing.  Oh my...shouldn't this be more intuitive than it is?  I'm happy to say everything is great with it now, but it sure can be stressful.  I understand why people do formula.  I felt like something (either Aaron or a pump) was always attached to me.  My cousin nursed twins...I have so much respect for her right about now.

Then kitty.  If you've read my blog you know about kitty.  We had to put her down.  I didn't think I would be as sad as I was, but I still catch myself thinking I see her and missing her.  It was like a piece of Brad and I died.  We've always had her, our entire married life and most of our dating life (minus just a few months).  She got much sweeter in her old age and loved for me to pick her up.  She would meow at my feet for me to do it.  I was the only one she ever let do that.  Possibly because everyone else was terrified of her.  That was probably the only time I wasn't.  Makes no sense...when her teeth are right beside my face, I wasn't scared.  I loved her.  There.  I said it.

And now.  The ultimate in betrayal.  I have to go back to work.  I cried last night while Brad and I were talking about our options.  You just know that no one will do it the way you would exactly, even though their way isn't bad.  The U.S. is severely lacking in maternity leave.  I can't bear to leave him every day.  And only have an hour or so with him at night.  I know every working mother goes through this.  But you don't plan for daycare.  You plan for a child.  An addition to your family.  You plan picnics in the park and playing catch and beach trips.  You plan for the good times, knowing you will have to accept some bad while hoping they are few and far between.  You plan for their college future (kid better not even THINK about Duke) and who they will end up looking like.  You don't plan for the day you have to drop them off at someone else's house for them to help raise your child. 

So I need some prayers today as I work up the courage to let go a little bit.  And maybe that is the best part of daycare.  To allow me to let go.  But all I want to do is hold him as long as possible.